A Gentle Filter for Saying "No" Faster

Discerning when to say "no" is just as important as knowing when to say "yes".

I’m a recovering people-pleaser; a fawner. Historically, it has caused me extreme anxiety to tell people “no”. But on the other end of every “yes” that I didn’t really want to give, there was was even more anxiety and frustration with myself, because it led to overpromising and under-delivering.

This is a trap that I’ve repeatedly fallen into in both my personal and professional lives. Working on this has been a big component of my mental health journey this year.

Saying “no” doesn’t need to create anxiety, and it doesn’t need to result in drama. It simply requires a filter.

Before agreeing to take on a new client, project, collaboration, or other opportunity, run it through three quick checks:

Alignment: Does this sit squarely inside the work I’m called to do, or does it require stretching myself to fill someone else’s need?

Capacity: Do I genuinely have the time, energy, and attention to do this well without without borrowing too much time from other projects and priorities?

Calm: When I pause and imagine saying “yes”, do I feel relaxed about it or does it create tension anywhere in my body or mind?

If any one of these checks signals that I should say “no”, then I should say “no”. On top of that, I should deliver the “no” politely, promptly, and without feeling the need for over-explanation.

A filter of this nature isn’t about creating artificial scarcity as marketing hyperbole. It’s not about being selfish with my time. It’s about giving safe harbor to my own nervous system, and protecting my valuable time.

Your energy and your time are extremely valuable, so protect them in order to protect yourself. Every “yes” that you casually give away makes your next aligned yes that much more expensive.

Every clean “no” protects clean work.